As I Remember
by trufflesque
Summary: In order to escape with his life, Snape flees to 12 Grimmauld Place. But something is wrong with Remus Lupin. Subtle SSRL, but not so much.


_**Author's Notes**_: I was fiddling around on Quizilla and I saw that my sister had posted a challenge for anyone, but mostly me. In other words, she was asking me to write something, but didn't mind if other people decided to have a go as well. Certain pairings were specified, but I decided to try something different. While I aimed for a crude, subtle SS/RL, what I got was something else. So, as those geniuses in Monty Python would say, "and now, for something completely different."

Although I must admit, I have read something with the same sort of premise before (I have it bookmarked on my other PC), and although it wasn't quite my intention to follow the same route, in the end it ended up more similar than I imagined. I assume, anyway. I haven't read the other story for so long, but after finishing this one, I think I might go back and have a gander.

Lastly, all spelling and grammar errors are mine. I work unbeta'ed. Also, everything between the /.../ is part of the story, but... signifies something else.

* * *

**AS I REMEMBER**  
_Author: Reikon_

"Thank you, Severus."

He hadn't heard those words for a long time, and even though they were said by someone he'd rather not have spoken to because of a long-standing grudge, they were received without complaint.

Handing over the potion phial, he gave a small frown and a grunted, "Thanks are unnecessary, Lupin."

The werewolf chuckled. "It's been a long time since I've had any wolfsbane potion to drink," he explained needlessly. "I've almost missed it."

Watching as Remus Lupin downed the entire phial in mere seconds, Severus could honestly say he wasn't that surprised. He expected that the werewolf had nobody to make him his monthly potion in a several months, not since Severus had fled Hogwarts with Draco in tow. Not having the potion to curb his more aggressive traits during the full moon must have been nostalgic, and he probably had to stow himself away so he wouldn't be able to smell human flesh.

What did surprise him, however, was the fact that Remus hadn't done what Snape ultimately expected from someone so loyal to Dumbledore. When Snape showed up outside 12 Grimmauld Place, where Remus was staying thanks to the kindness of Harry Potter, Remus had not turned him away. After silently contemplating the man standing outside the door, demanding to be let in, Remus had swung the door open wider and stepped aside so Snape could enter.

He hadn't even questioned Snape's true motives, not that day, and not in the eight days after that. There was something entirely too trusting about Remus.

Remus suddenly made a face and put the phial down on the table. The men sat in the kitchen, working their way through their cold chicken dinners. "I take back everything I said about missing this potion," said the greying man with a frown. "I forgot how horrid it tasted."

Snape found this odd; that somebody who had forced himself to drink such a foul potion once a month for several years could have forgotten the taste of it so quickly.

"Would you like some pumpkin juice, Severus?"

Snape looked up as Remus stood from the table and moved to collect a pitcher that had been placed on the counter by the sink some time earlier. He couldn't remember when that was.

He noticed that when Remus went to collect the pitcher, he had turned his back fully to Severus, another too entirely trusting move.

"Do you even realize how easy it is for me to slip a few drops of poison into your food?" Snape asked, his eyebrows arching up in question.

Remus turned his head. "Is it that easy? No, I don't think you'll kill me. You need me."

The words hit Snape hard, like when he'd been at the receiving end of a combined expelliarmus by the third year Golden Boy and his idiot friends. "I need you, do I?" Snape repeated coldly. "And how did you manage to come to this conclusion? Eight days of intense thought and contemplation?"

Remus gave him a hard look. "I figured it out instantly, Severus. Do you consider me a fool?"

Though he did not reply to this, Severus Snape could honestly say he didn't consider Remus Lupin a fool. Not a complete fool, in any case. A fool for the right reasons, perhaps.

"No," Remus went on. "It's quite clear you need me for something. I'm just not sure what. Otherwise, why would you have shown up here, of all places?"

"Perhaps I wasn't expecting there to be any Order members left in this desecrated mansion," Snape said coolly. "Perhaps I was trying to obtain it for personal reasons."

"Don't be absurd," Remus shot. "Even if what you say is true, you could very easily have done away with me upon seeing my face at the door. Especially after -- "

_Oh, here it comes_, Snape thought dryly.

Remus's face drained of almost all colour, except for a slight pink tinge on his cheeks. "Especially after... what happened to Dumbledore."

"How odd, that you would choose to speak of Dumbledore's death as if it wasn't caused by my hand, _Remus_," Snape spat, and his face twisted into something of disgust and hatred. "After all, there is no dispute. I killed Albus Dumbledore."

The pink in Remus's cheeks became more pronounced. "But surely -- "

"Surely what?" Snape cut him off, a look of pure venom swimming in his black eyes. "Do you honestly believe that killing Albus was to enable a secret victory for the Order? That he meant to die as part of some grand scheme to help Harry Potter triumph?"

Remus's silence betrayed his thoughts. Indeed, he had hoped for something as much. Snape didn't even need to use his Legilimency on the werewolf to figure that out.

Severus continued, his dark eyebrows lowered dangerously. "No, Albus was not even aware of his impending death until it was too late. And we did not secretly construct plans of that nature in his office, as you are most certainly wondering."

"You seem to presume a lot about my thoughts, Severus," Remus said quietly.

"Well, you had the gall to presume so much about myself and my actions," Snape replied with a sneer. Suddenly, it seemed very clear to Snape that he had to convince Lupin of his true reason for murdering Dumbledore. "You forget that in order to cast the killing curse, one truly has to mean it. I was not pretending."

"But... why?"

"Have you not been able to figure it out?" Snape inquired quietly, his dark eyes almost drilling into Remus's. "All these years you have come to know the sound of my footsteps, and yet you still have trouble interpreting the imprints I leave behind."

"Are you being metaphorical?"

"No, I was being literal," Snape replied sardonically, at which Remus smiled.

"Forgive me, then," Remus said somewhat coolly. "It seems I was trying to figure out where you were going, rather than where you had been. But please, enlighten me."

Severus sudenly felt a strange sensation overcome him, and he snarled. "I think not, Lupin," he barked, and stood up from the table so quickly, Remus would have missed it, had he blinked. "You'd like nothing more than to hear my explanation for the way I've handled things, but I won't grant you that satisfaction."

Remus was on his feet and he closed the distance between the two of them within seconds. "What satisfaction will you grant me then, Severus?" came the question, wrapped in a silky voice Snape was not aware Lupin even possessed. Yes, somewhere in the back of his head, a small voice was telling him that the Lupin he had come to know would not have spoken in such a manner. But then again, much has happened in the past few years.

Snape raised his arm to shove the werewolf away from him, to grant himself an ounce of personal space that he felt he sorely needed. Something was constricting in his chest, but he wasn't sure where it was stemming from.

Remus grabbed Snape's arm and forced it down at his side, then raised his other arm and wrapped a firm hand around Snape's neck. He was almost startled at the icy fingertips digging into his throat. Snape had always subconsciously assumed that Remus Lupin would be nothing but warm. Never cold.

For a moment, he thought he saw a flash of red in Remus's brown eyes, but a second later it was gone.

"Release me, Lupin, or you shall have the pleasure of tasting Dumbledore's fate," Snape growled, and after a few seconds in which the werewolf seemed to be contemplating something, the hand relinquished its grasp on Snape's pale neck, and Remus took a large step back, looking ashamed.

"I'm sorry," Remus said quietly. "I didn't mean to... hurt you, Severus. I don't know what came over me."

Snape had an idea, but he didn't favour it. He moved to exit the kitchen. "Come with me, Lupin," he commanded, and Remus had no choice but to follow the billowing black robes through the doorway. He followed them up the stairs to the second landing, where Harry and Ron's room was, and entered the room swiftly. When Remus came in, he found Snape bent over what was Harry's bed, rooting through a large black potions bag that looked decades old.

"Might I ask what you are doing?" Remus inquired, stepping closer. Snape pulled out a small phial of clear fluid and held it up so Remus could have a better look. Remus raised his eyebrows. "Veritaserum? But, it's such a crude -- "

"Crude or not," Snape interrupted. "It gets the job done. Sit down on the bed."

Remus obliged, although he still looked mildly curious. Snape leaned forward, uncorked the bottle, and pressed a thumb to Lupin's chin. Remus parted his lips and allowed three droplets of Veritaserum to fall onto his tongue. It tasted like nothing. Not even like water.

Snape stepped back and recorked the bottle, then watched Lupin closely. "It will take about thirty minutes before it sets in," he explained. "And then I will have my answers."

Remus nodded grimly and watched as Snape began to pace back and forth in the room.

When thirty minutes had gone by, almost to the exact second, Snape whisked around to face Remus, who was still sitting on the bed and had scarcely moved except to rearrange himself in more comfortable positions.

"Are you Remus Lupin?" Snape asked, and Remus smiled.

"Yes," he replied. "I am Remus Lupin."

"Short, concise answers, please, Lupin, unless I ask you otherwise," Snape said coldly, and folded his arms in front of him. "Now, moving on. Are you upset that I murdered Dumbledore?"

"Yes," Remus answered.

"Why?"

"Because Dumbledore did not reject me the way so many others did, and still do, and you took that away from me."

Snape narrowed his eyes. "How long have you been staying in 12 Grimmauld Place?"

"Nine and a half months," Remus replied. "Give or take a few days."

"Are you hiding?"

"Yes."

"From someone or something?"

Remus considered this. "He could be both, I suppose."

At once, Snape knew who he was talking about. "Fenrir," he muttered. "I wondered how long it would take him to figure out that you're much too docile to be serious about working under the Dark Lord."

Remus just stared. After a moment, Snape decided he had better try the big question he had revolved this whole Veritaserum ploy on.

"Are you under the Imperius Curse?"

The answer had come almost as soon as the question ended. "No," Remus stated plainly, shaking his head.

Snape decided that he was lying through his teeth. But then the Veritaserum factored in. If he was lying, then the Veritaserum obviously didn't work. But then, maybe it did, and if Lupin was under the Imperius curse, then the Veritaserum simply had no effect as the mind controlling the body was of a completely separate entity. Snape muttered a string of inaudible curses under his breath, and clenched his hands into fists. Why hadn't he thought of that before? If Lupin had been Imperiused, then certainly Remus Lupin would have told the truth, but if, say, Lucius Malfoy was using Remus, then he would have been completely unaffected by the Veritaserum.

"You seem disappointed, Severus," Remus said softly, and it broke Severus from his thoughts.

"Life is fraught with disappointments," Snape said almost sagely, but the effect was neutralized by the sneer he wore. "But can you guess why I'm disappointed?"

And for the first time that evening, Remus wore a look of absolute cluelessness mixed with amusement. "Things not going according to plan? Did you hope I would in fact be under the Imperius Curse?"

"It would have explained a lot," Snape said bitterly. Now he had nothing to theorize about.

Remus stood up. "So you would have liked me to be under the Imperius Curse, is that it?"

Snape narrowed his eyes and took a cautious step away from Remus, towards the window. "Why would you assume I wanted you to be placed under such a foul curse? Do you think I have carried my grudge this far?"

"Honestly, yes," Remus replied. "You are exactly the type to hold onto a grudge as long as you possibly can. And besides, that is not what I meant. I just thought..."

"What?"

Again, there was a momentary lapse in Remus's character. "I just thought you perhaps liked the idea of me being completely willing."

It was certainly an odd thing to hear, from Snape's perspective. Remus had never talked like that before, with a voice made of liquid velvet. It was unnatural, so unlike him. He must have been under some kind of control, if not the Imperius Curse.

"Are you of your own mind right now, Lupin?" Snape shouted all of a sudden, and Remus looked startled at the loudness. "Are you being controlled?"

He watched as, for the briefest of moments, Remus's entire body stiffened, and then relaxed once again. He met Severus's gaze with a curious look. "Why?" he asked quietly. "Do you want me to be?"

Snape have an irate huff and strode very quickly to the door, turning his back to the werewolf standing by the bed. "Never mind. I'm done playing this game of yours. It's over."

"Oh, but Severus," came that silky, un-Lupin-like voice. "The game is only over when all players decide to end it. And I'm far from done with you."

Snape whirled around to face Lupin. There it was again -- the flash of red in Lupin's brown irises -- and then it disappeared.

"It doesn't matter," Snape grunted out harshly. "Because as soon as possible, I will be taking my leave of this place."

"No! Severus! Don't leave this place..."

"This place?"

Remus looked broken. "Don't leave me. I get terribly lonely... it's nice having company. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"Do you think, for one second, that your pitiful feelings actually matter to me?" Snape shot venomously. "I'm leaving, as of tomorrow morning."

/A pale hand caressed a mop of untidy, greasy hair, and cupped a pallid face gently. _Tomorrow morning, Severus? I think not./_

Snape had gone to bed early, comforted by the thought of waking before Remus and leaving before he could even stop him.

Something about Remus was unsettling.

But what was supposed to be a relatively sunny morning never was. At seven o'clock in the morning, the sky was filled with blackened clouds, like a reminder of the ominous threat of the Dark Lord. Snape was so awestruck by the state of the weather outside, that he ended up keeping an eye on the clouds for several hours. Even by ten o'clock, the clouds had not parted and it was as dark as night outside.

He vaguely remembered, when he was studying the clouds, that Remus came into the den and asked Snape if he was hungry yet, to which Snape replied 'No', rather rudely. Lupin left him alone after that.

"They aren't moving," Snape said, his voice harsh as he stood in the kitchen doorway, three days after he swore he would leave 12 Grimmauld Place.

Remus looked up at him over the Daily Prophet for today, March 14th. "What isn't moving?"

"The clouds. They stay the same. Although I'm sure your feeble wolf mind hasn't even noticed," Snape said dryly.

Remus just blinked. "And the significance of this is?"

Snape looked at him. Surely he didn't expect an explanation? Over the past three days, Snape was growing increasingly suspicious of everything. Lupin hadn't shown any unusual behaviour since that day, but even so, Snape couldn't help but feel concerned. He had begun to notice things that seemed odd.

Lupin was being overly courteous these days, as if he was afraid anything else might drive Snape away. It made Snape think that perhaps Lupin was beginning to develop an unhealthy obsession with keeping Snape around.

There was also the issue with the clouds. They appeared to be completely still, which would indicate no breeze, except that since the clouds appeared nothing had really changed in terms of wind patterns. Glimpsing out the window, sometimes Severus could see trees rustling and blowing about gently.

But even more strange to him was the fact that the clouds seemed to appear just after Severus declared he would be moving out the following morning. Then morning never came. It was odd, and he felt it could not simply be a coincidence.

Lupin watched him for a while, and when it was clear that Snape was not going to be answering any time soon, he returned to reading the Daily Prophet.

Snape, suddenly angry with himself for having not strung together all the clues before, swept from the room rather dramatically, much to Lupin's amusement.

Two days later, Snape cornered Lupin in the den as the latter thumbed through a dusty novel that had been left on a small table off to the side. On the same table lay Daily Prohet issues from as far back as one week. Nobody took the trash out recently.

"How are you doing this?" Snape demanded, his lips barely moving as he spoke. His face was paler than usual, if that was even possible.

Lupin raised an eyebrow at him. "How am I doing what?" he replied, humouring the ex-Potions professor. "How am I... reading?"

"How are you doing what you're doing to the clouds?"

Remus gave him an odd look, like Snape was losing his mind. "Are you all right, Severus?" he asked, appearing genuinely concerned.

Snape was furious. "I know it's you!" he screamed. "Who else could it be? I haven't made contact with anyone but you in the past two weeks! Everything that's happened is because you made it happen! I don't know how, but I know it's you!"

And for the first time in a while, Lupin said something that made sense to Snape, and seemed to calm him down somewhat. "Severus Snape, I may be a wizard, but controlling nature is not something I have the power to do, nor would I wish for that kind of power. Whatever is happening, is happening because of Voldemort."

Snape frowned. His words made sense. It was hard to see a loophole.

"I can understand how frustrated you're feeling, but there's no need to take it out on me," Remus said calmly. "I haven't done anything."

Snape stiffened. He sensed that an apology was almost expected of him, but he was not going to give in so easily. As much sense as Lupin was making now, there were lots of other things going on that still confused him. "I'm going to think," Snape snarled, and flew from the room again in a flash of black robes.

_/How troublesome./_

Several days passed again, and Lupin and Snape barely said a word to each other. They rarely ate meals at the same time, always one coming into the kitchen while the other was leaving.

At breakfast, Snape strode stiffly into the kitchen, just as Remus was getting up from the table to leave. He smiled at Snape. "Good morning Severus," he said. He was holding the Daily Prophet in his hand, and when he saw Snape glanced momentarily at it, he placed it on the table. "You can read this if you want," Remus added kindly. "I'm all finished with it. If you need me, I'll be in the shower."

Snape said nothing, just pulled out a chair and levitated some bread into the toaster. Remus left without saying another word, and Snape was left to his own devices while he waited for his toast.

Nothing very interesting happening in the news, he noted as he flipped open the wizarding newspaper. He scanned through the various articles, finally reaching the weather. Sunny with a slight chance of rain, he read, bemused. With the clouds the way they were, there was no chance of sun for a long time. Just then, he noticed the date.

March 14th.

How could that be?

The toast popped out of the toaster, startling Severus. He got up, forgetting his food, and stormed out of the kitchen.

He was obviously not in his right state of mind. Something was happening. He felt conscious, but things were happening that he couldn't explain, not even with the help of magic. It couldn't possibly be the same date -- maybe the Prophet accidentally printed the date wrong.

He remembered the old copies of the Daily Prophet on that table in the den. He went there immediately.

Sure enough, the copies were still there. And each copy bore the same date: March 14th. They were the exact same issues.

He swept up the stairs, carrying the issues in a bundle in his arms, and heard the shower running somewhere up above. He followed the sound to the fourth landing, throwing open the door to the bathroom and storming in angrily.

"Lupin!" he cried. "Where have you been picking up these issues of the Daily -- "

But he was cut short when he threw back the shower curtain and found that no one was inside, but the showerhead remained running and the tub was slowly filling with water.

"The Daily what, Severus?" came an unusually cool voice from the doorway.

Snape threw all of the copies of the Daily Prophet at the werewolf standing there, fully clothed. "The Daily Prophet!" he screamed. "This is... it's not... you're not Remus Lupin!"

Lupin looked truly amused, not even flinching as the newsprint lightly hit his body and floated down to the floor at his feet. "Oh? And how exactly did you come to that conclusion, Severus?"

Snape glared. "Nothing makes sense, and the fact that nothing makes sense all points to one conclusion. You're not Remus Lupin! This is all in my head!"

"Oh dear. It seems everything is finally making you crack."

"No, I'm fine. But I'm also right! How else can you explain things?"

Lupin stared blankly as Snape began to reel off a list of everything that made sense and everything that didn't.

"You read the Daily Prophet every morning, but you read the same issue every day! It's not a mere misprint. The day never changes, Lupin, it never does! There are also all sorts of things that happen, and I don't remember how it happened, or when! That pumpkin juice pitcher from weeks ago? That wasn't on the counter before! I was with you the whole time in the kitchen, and you never transfigured a pitcher, or took it out of the fridge, and yet it was there!"

Remus gazed at him oddly. "You remember events that took place several weeks ago, Severus? That's impossible. Nobody's memory is that good."

"There's more," Snape growled. "Permit me to finish. There's the potions case in the bedroom on the second landing. I didn't bring anything with me when I arrived, so how did I happen across a potions case with exactly the potion I needed? And how did I know it was going to be there?"

"I don't know," Remus muttered. "It looked like something somebody had left behind, so I didn't question..."

"Of course you wouldn't! You're a figment of my imagination, Lupin! I thought it was you doing all these things before, but it's all in my head. My overactive mind is making things happen."

"So you're admitting that you're a bit crazy."

"That's the thing. I'm not. You see, it's perfectly logical for me to create scenarios in my mind that appease me to some extent, but that doesn't explain your previous actions. When you acted... differently."

Lupin considered this, and then gave a wolfish smile. "Or perhaps you did create that scenario. Because you feel more for me than you care to admit outside of your own mind. If I am a figment of your imagination, then it explains it all too well. You desire me under control -- under your control, perhaps? -- and so you imagined it must be so."

"But what about the clouds? I have no reason to wish for clouds. And what about now? This shower has been running for quite a while, and yet you give no evidence of ever having been in it. You're fully clothed."

"Do you desire otherwise?" Remus asked in that silky voice again, stepping closer to Snape and smiling slightly.

And there it was -- stronger than before, a flicker of red eyes and pale skin.

Voldemort.

"Do you want Remus?" asked the silky voice, sounding almost cruel.

Snape thought it sounded especially strange, seeing as it was still Lupin who was talking. But flashes of Voldemort peeked through every few seconds, just for a second at a time, but Severus Snape was sure it was there.

"Isn't that your deepest, darkest desire, Snape? Isn't that why you imagined Lupin opening the door for you at the Black mansion, and nobody else?"

Snape pushed Remus away, and the werewolf gave a hollow laugh. "It's true, isn't it?" he continued, laughing wildly. "That's why you ran away from the Death Eaters to rejoin your precious, albeit disbanded Order, isn't it? Because you realized that in the end your precious wolf would end up six feet under if you didn't do something?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Snape spat.

Remus stepped forward again, wild fury in his red eyes, and he wrapped icy hands around Snape's throat. "You should know," the voice said, and it had the cool distinction Snape recognized as Voldemort's voice. "Nobody just gets up and leaves me. Nobody. And you're going to tell me why you did it."

Snape flailed his arms, trying to claw Remus off of him, but to no avail. He was pressed up against the wall, with the towel rack digging into his backside. The hands clasped tighter, blocking his air. He felt a little light-headed. Suddenly, Remus's lips ghosted over his -- and then there was nothing.

_/He'll let it slip this time._ Voldemort looked down at Snape, whose eyes had shot open. He was gasping for breath and pulling at the shackles that bound him to the stone slab. He pulled out his wand and flicked it, wordlessly. Snape fell limp, his eyes still open. Voldemort's pale fingers gently closed his eyelids./

There came a knock at the door of 12 Grimmauld Place.

Remus sighed, getting up from his armchair to answer it. Maybe it was Kingsley or Tonks.

The door swung open, and there stood Severus Snape, looking angry.

"Let me in," the ex-Potions professor demanded through clenched teeth. He brought with him nothing but his robes, and possibly his wand, hidden somewhere in his pockets.

Remus silently contemplated the man in front of him for a few moments. Then, he stepped aside and let Snape in.

_**FIN**_

_AN_: OMG. I'll probably look this over another day and edit it. For now, this is it. Sorry if it seems rushed or awkward. There were supposed to be asterisks to differentiate the sections I had written, but because FF.N cuts out asterisks, I had no choice but to post it almost as is.


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